Thursday, June 02, 2005

Dougie's Diary

Dougie’s Diary

July 30, 2004

12:05 am Order room service- charge it to Nomar 's room - tried to spell out garciaparra- finally just screamed charge it Nomar's room and make it quick.
12:20 Order third porn movie of the day1
2:40 Filet Mignon with a side of chicken parm arrives
12:46 meal finished- calls back to room service- orders 2 piece of cheesecake charges it to Terry Francona's room
12:55 dessert arrives
12:57 dessert demolished- dougie strips down and take his pre bedtime swings naked in front of the mirror
1:30 can't sleep calls nomar's room and says in a spanish voice" this is omar minaya you have been traded to the Montreal expos- nomar cries- dougie calls him a pussy and tells him to go ice his pinky toe
1:45 calls derek lowe's room and tells him he has been traded to the pawtucket red sox
2:00 am can't sleep - goes skinny dipping in the hotel pool
3:00 am finally falls a sleep after killing it for the third time today and another piece of cheesecake
9:55 wakes up- kills it- then takes a shower and shaves- leave one stripe down his chin-tells himself he is a stud who hits bombs
10:15 takes 30 hard cuts naked
10:20 gets dressed- tight jeans- cowboy boots and tanktop heads off to park10:22 leaves note at front desk- please tell derek lowe and nomar to call john henry asap- leaves them a 900 number to call
11:00 arrives at ballpark- give dead leg to shilling and tells him to shut the fuck up for once
11:15 tells nomar he heard he is being traded to the expos for 3 pieces of shit and some toilet paper
11:17 ask nomar if his ass is still sore
11:18 steps on nomar's heel- tells him to quit being a pussy
11:30 chest bumps wakefield
11:45 pulls shilling aside with a flying tackle and screams in his face- if you weren't such a loud mouth i would be catching Randy every 5th day instead of chasing knuckleballs to the backstop. tells he got rocked in new york and stop pitching like suck ass- rips shilling wallet from his backpocket and and takes his cash
12:00 tells derek lowe- what the fuck are you doing here- i thought we already traded your fucking weak ass sinker ball headcase ass carcass-gives lowe a wedgie and farts in his face
12:15 screams out loud- "we trade nomar yet?"
12:45 orders chicken parm
1:25 finishes eating- heads out to bp
1:30 gets put in nomar bp group
1:42 throws nomar out of the cage
1:50 hits 13 of 20 pitches 400 feet foul- misses other 7
1:52 nomar gets back in cage- calls him and his wife gay- throws baseballs at nomar heels- hope he trips and hurts himself
1:55 reminds nomar that the sox dropped ther offer from 15 to 12 million-tells nomar they are having a party tonight when they trade him
2:15 takes 45 minutes nap- gets ready for deadline-dreams he hit game 7 dinger onto the mass pike- wakes up sees nomar and is pissed3:15 announce to clubhouse- "nomar or @#%$ down lowe get traded yet ?"
3:45 bad mood takes over as it is the trading deadline and he sees nomar has not been traded
3:58 clubhouse closed to reporter- theo walks in- announces see ya asshole-does a sack dance in nomar face
4:02 team notified of nomar's deal- leads chants in nanananana hey hey hey goodbye
4:10 bullshit d-lowe not traded- tells him he is getting racked tonight- stuffs him in his locker
4:15 high fives luccino and bear hugs theo- theo stunned
4:30 tells francona they should have trade Francona and schilling to Wilkes Barre-
4:33 francona runs away- dougie catches him and gives him an atoimic wedgie- tells him to fucking bunt the runner along every now and then; francona runs and hides behind schilling.
4:45 makes plan for post game celebration nomar traded party at local nightspot
4:50 grabs schilling's wallet and takes out cash to pay for party
5:05 announces today is a good day-

With that, I bring you Doug Mirabelli's doubleheader on 7/22:
9:00 shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands- farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror-screams out loud "Dougie is going deep tonight "
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he'll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto RT 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off-gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park- tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his families' life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month- asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend merloni
10:27 takes a shit- leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs derek lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey's Headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting 250-no music. 10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says "Is Dougie DHing the first game " 10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this : 375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S
11:17 writes back response to to fan's Letter "Hey Pussy, I don't wear batting gloves because they are for pussies like your boyfriend Nomar "
11:30 Walks out to batting pratice with a tantkop on
11:45 after no stretching steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts- hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang nomar for mixing in a curve after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie- calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie's daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci's arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar's locker 12:15 Tito posts lineup- Dougie sees he is not the DH- Calls Francona a p*ssy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets nakes and take 25 cuts in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing "Dougie is going deep tonight "
12:45 Takes a shit- uses Nomars 350 dollar silk shirt to wipe his ass-
1:05 game starts - Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind schilling
1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the Bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in- Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at trenton by 7 tonight
1:55 dougies 4 fenway franks arrive- pays with nomar's credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and wake
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 sox lose game- Dougie tells Francona he should have DH'D him-Francona runs away 5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair- 11 foul- all pulled- he missed 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie see name in lineup- calls francona a pussy for batting him 8th- francona hides behind schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that Dougie is going deep tonight
6:30 dinner arrives- 2 steaks from the capital grille- dougie pours steak juice into nomar's locker- makes d lowe eat the fat
6:35 dougie gives d lowe an atomic wedgie
7:00 tells wakefield the show some balls tonight and don't throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first- dougie tells francona it must be the catching
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep
7:27 dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a p*ssy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall- coasts into second. almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher he fastball sucks- tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn't get all of it-
8:15 dougie ropes a rocket to third- third baseman takes all day and still turns two on dougie-
8:16 fans boo dougie
8:17 dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kids hot dog on way to dugout
8:18 dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay- he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 dougie fans on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher- catcher and ump all pussies
9:30 9th inning - dougie is exhausted- walks out to the mound and calls embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat- dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers- and walks around the clubhouse naked- tells dan shaugnessy and gordon edes to blow him-
9:55 dougie shaves - and leaves a goatee 1
0:00 Knocks nomar off his exercise bike- calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans- gives the bird to everyone near him
10:25 arrives at Kowloon on RT 1 1
0:45 sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn- goes for a dip in his above ground pool
12:10 leaves tighty whitey's on his neighboor's windshield
12:15 walks into house nakes and screams "who saw my bomb i hit tonite???"
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 cuts naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 dougie passes out on couch